i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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