drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
