u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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