idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
