she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize