seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
