Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
