if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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