Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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