Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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