I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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