I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
