So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I will pee on everything he values.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
