Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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