just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
