I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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