I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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