now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
