My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
