if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
