The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
