You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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