i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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