are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
