the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
