My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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