I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
