So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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