you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
