i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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