So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
