Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
