Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
