Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
