he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
