Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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