I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
