I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
