Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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