I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
