then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
