I'm really into asian looking animals
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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