she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
