That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
