You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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