Sorry, I don't speak sober.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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