I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
