Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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