Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
