Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
