I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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